Don’t Call Me ‘Grandpa!’

By Lawrence R. Burton © 1983

Issue: April, 1983

Now, don’t you call me Grandpa;
‘Taint no fitting name for me;
That’s a tag for worn out folks
Who’s deef ‘n barely see!

The feeble kind that have no hair,
An’s been wrinkled for awhile;
Just say that I’m the Daddy
Of a girl that’s got a child!

And don’t call my wife Grandma;
Though she surely fits the bill;
‘Cause sleeping with a Granny
Ain’t my idea of a thrill.

I know she’d feel more comfortable
If her title’s left unproved;
She has a “little darling”
You can say, who’s “once removed”!

I know my chassis creaks a bit
And shows a scrape or two,
And sometimes I get winded
Before the day is through,

But I always snap right back
By applying ice or heat;
Just say my youngest daughter
Has a kid across the street.

So don’t you call me Grandpa;
That’s ag’in the Golden Rule;
It’ll prove you’ve had no fetchin’ up,
Or been to Sunday School.

Just remember that this Fancy Dan
Is on a long term lease;
You can say my son’s an uncle
And that his sister has a niece!

Why, I’m just barely out of school;
I was taught by ……. What’s her name?
She used a slate to keep the roll,
And a quill pen all the same.

If the Titanic hadn’t let her down
She’d back me up, I’ll bet,
By telling all you doubters
That I’m a youngster yet!

For I can run a young man down,
And take it in my stride,
And do all kinds of frisky things
Where others failed or died!

So keep your Grandpa’s to yourself,
And leave this buck alone;
Just say my boy’s sister
Has a baby all her own!

And I don’t want your lame excuses
How you slipped or just forget,
And called me by that ugly name
That gets my blood so hot;

You must talk in terms respectful
To be welcome in my house;
Just say my son-in-law’s delighted
With the daughter of his spouse!